Gagne never experienced emotions the way other kids did, and when she grew older, while acting out, lying, stealing, and fighting violent impulses, she self-diagnosed herself as a sociopath. This is a fascinating peek at her motivations, impulses, discoveries, and self-discovered coping mechanisms--which she now uses as a therapist for others with sociopathy.
I don’t care what other people think. I’m not interested in morals. I’m not interested, period. Rules do not factor into my decision-making. I’m capable of almost anything.
Patric Gagne always knew she didn't experience emotions the way other people did. She wasn't concerned with consequences, danger, or other people's feelings. When she was a girl, she adhered to her mother's rule of always telling her the truth--but the truth seemingly made her mother (and everyone else) upset. So she began to keep secrets--because she was stealing loved ones' treasured possessions, breaking into homes, lying, and frequently fighting the urge to inflict violent harm on others.
All I knew was that I didn’t feel things the way other kids did. I didn’t feel guilt when I lied. I didn’t feel compassion when classmates got hurt on the playground. For the most part, I felt nothing. And I didn’t like the way that “nothing” felt. So I did things to replace the nothingness with…something.
During college, Gagne self-diagnosed herself as a sociopath. (The DSM-5 uses the term "antisocial personality disorder," but Gagne explains why this does not seem to properly capture her condition.) Frustrated by depictions of sociopaths as villains in the media and by the prospect of there being no treatment and little knowledge of how to manage sociopathy, Gagne examined herself, went to therapy, continued her studies, and researched everything she could. Meanwhile she introduced the topic of her sociopathy promptly upon meeting people, she reconnected with her teenage love, and she tried to shape a future knowing that little guidance existed regarding sociopaths' leading successful lives.
Gagne often seems stuck; she wants others to immediately know of her sociopathy, but doesn't want to be reduced to only her mental health condition. She explains that she does not love or feel the way others do, so she mimics body language and borrows others' caring words--but she doesn't want to be discounted or perceived as unable to be a fulfilling partner, parent, or daughter.
I was fascinated by the author's in-depth explorations of her motivations, triggers, abilities, needs, and fight for control. Her self-examination leads her to shape her life's work toward helping those who share her experiences and struggles. The memoir is structured with the engaging pacing of a novel--danger, discovery, redemption, and hope.
Gagne asserts that she and others with sociopathy feel very little, don't adhere to societal safety standards or moral codes, and do not experience remorse or fear consequences. They may intrude in others' lives, take unwanted liberties, steal, lie, and experience a desperate, ongoing yearning to exert violence on others. Yet she seems to be frustrated and indignant that those without her mental health condition would be concerned about sociopaths' sense of nothing to lose--and that others would be concerned about suffering the consequences of sociopaths' impulsive, potentially destructive, behavior. This felt like a repeated disconnect for me.
The author acknowledges her position of privilege, which certainly benefited her while she figured out how to assimilate into society while acting out in dangerous, illegal, and socially unacceptable ways. Those without her resources and safety net could (and likely do) very well have had their story cut short and end in a dramatically different fashion.
I was fascinated by her one-woman trial and error method of determining her triggers, impulses, and coping mechanisms. The epilogue offers additional context for her current-day life and adds to my curiosity about her husband, who has lived beside her and within this whirlwind for many years as she has acted out, lied, and entered into danger, and who is now parenting along with Gagne.
I listened to Patric Gagne read Sociopath as an audiobook; it's an upcoming read for my book club.
More memoir love
If you're looking for more Bossy reviews of memoirs--which I almost always listen to as audiobooks read by the author--please check out these books.
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